As a birthday present my friend Angie invited me to attend a murder mystery evening with her at the book cafe in Derby yesterday. Accordingly I dressed in causal clothes Angie’s dog has a habit of smelling ones crotch something that is more disconcerting when wearing a skirt or dress. Having been smelt has my hands licked and my clothes pawed at we caught the bus into town and met up with two cousins of Angie. Both of them lovely people and good fun. After a quick cup of tea we headed to the book cafe where we were escorted upstairs into a Georgian room with a lovely chandelier big windows and comfy chairs.
We were given a glass of Prosecco. We talked and chatted for at least an hour before the performance started. Without food and with no suitable distrction Angie and I made short work of bottle of Australian Rose. A woman dressed in a blue dress and wearing a suffragette rossette started off the proceedings by introducing herself as a suffragette Charity Kase (Yes the name was that corny)
She attempted to give us all pamphlets promoting the suffragettes of Derby (S.O.D. s for short) and her slogan don’t be silly be a S.O. D. An admirable sentiment I am sure you will agree.
A young man then entered dressed in a loud blazer a straw boater and grey flannel trousers Hugo Larst.
He had obviously modelled himself on Bertie Wooster and played the silly Ass very well. He attempted to help a rather frumpy maidservant Amelia Cook with her baggage and was rebuked by the suffragette for oppressing the woman. I am still trying to work out the logic of that statement. Apparently she was perfectly capable of carrying her own bags despite being overwhelmed with them. They were followed by an older man with an obviously fake moustache this was apparently Tom Braider the well known explorer and rhino wrestler complete with full khakis pith helmet and blunderbuss. he immediately started to argue with Charity about the place of women in society.
Then a rather decrepit butler entered complete with black suit and hat Jeeves fallen on hard times I thought.
Lastly a version of Angie from work turned up loud brash mutton dressed as lamb bossy with the same fake reddish hair colour called Augusta Wind.
Thankfully after she had sacked her maid, insulted the explorer and derided the suffragette someone apparently shot her. She collapsed taking a few dramatic moments to die in the corner. I wondered if it had been one of us the audience who had shot her for her bad acting and poor dress sense. Having wanted to shoot her twin from work it was a very satisfying projection. We were given a list of suspects and then came the chance to talk to the suspects.
Someone had stolen Augusta’s kiss and tell autobiography and this provided a number of the suspects with motives.
The maid turned out to be completely wet and it was consequently elicit much information from her. The butler was so pompous and verbose it was hard to get much out of him.
The explorer was rather good at double entendre e.g
“Could you tell us how you manage to wrestle an animal capable of destroying a jeep with your bare hands?” My question.
“Its all a matter of getting ones hand one the horn and then twisting it. I expect you have often had your hands on the horn madam…..” This was addressed to Ang not me obviously however it caused a burst of rude laughter. However he claimed his gun was not loaded no double entendre intended.
The silly Ass had a lisp and couldn’t pronounce the letter r rather like Jonathan Ross. He also had a sneer that would have given Rick Mayall a run for his money. This made me attempt to get him to say as many words with this letter as possible. Think of Pontius Pilote in “The Life of Brian”. He was obviously Augusta Wind’s love intewest but wefused to be dwawn on her chawacter claiming he was too much of a gentleman to tell tales.
I derived great entertainment from asking fatuous and silly questions of these stock characters. I derived similar interest from eavesdropping on the conversations of those around me and by just being silly. Small extracts of the manuscript kept being produced to help us, 1908 obviously the year the photocopier was invented.
At some point after an hour and a half we got access to the buffet. There was a stampede it was as though people were starved. I admit to being hungry, unfortunately by the time I got to the buffet there was very little food left. I don’t like to be first in the queue, as being fat, I think people will notice and comment on my greed and gluttony. We got a second bottle of Rose and stated on this. Then came another shooting of the explorer as the manuscript was discovered and he claimed to know the identity of the murderer. Well the Rhinos around Derby will be pleased to be free of his attentions. Perhaps that is why there are so few rhinos around Derby they have all been wrestled.
Then we had to fill in a sheet as to who had done the murders. All of our group got the correct murderers and the correct method but none of our group got the motive. By the end lulled by the innocent taste of the alcohol, I had consumed a whole bottle of Rose and a glass of Prosecco.
Considering I usually only drink a maximum of two glasses of wine in an evening and then only occasionally I was certainly under the influence of alcohol and had to concentrate on walking back to out lift. Your father collected a rather giggly wife from Ang’s house and I fell into bed about midnight. I had a lovely evening the food wasn’t that great but the fun was in the entertainment. I probably didn’t behave with the greatest dignity but I do feel a lot better for having let my hair down so to speak.
I hope you enjoy my account of proceedings.
Your loving mother